From Evgenya’s comment in Friday’s post:
“I for one am curious why YOU (whoever is reading this) want to be/ doesn’t want to be/ are already in a relationship. (I know, I should just have my own blog so I don’t have to ramble on on yours, dj.)”
Yes. You should have your own blog, but more because I think you’ve got great things going on your brain and I’d like to read more of them.
So. Why do I want to be in a relationship?
Shnykees. There was a time when that would have been a sensitive and complex question for me, with no easy answer. Now I can sum it up in one word. Companionship.
I could use more words. I could go on at length. I want to be in a relationship because after going about twelve years without being unattached for more than three months at a stretch (and those stretches being very infrequent) I needed to find out who I was. Needed to know I was whole unto myself. Needed to fundamentally change my character. Needed to stop hurting people I cared about…?
I was far from misogynistic before my hiatus. I loved women and treasured what they had to share. I prized intellect and I searched for equality. I was on a quest to find a girl strong enough to deal with me yet sensitive enough to be a good partner. Not so much has changed since then in that regard, but my methodology has changed like day & night.
I was pretty casual back then, which isn’t to say I took things lightly. I think girls were attracted to my intensity like moths to a flame. Apparently I have a near-sorcerous (and thoroughly unconscious) ability to make a girl feel like the center of the universe. I just mean that I didn’t really understand how relationships work. I somehow didn’t grasp that people could be grievously and deeply hurt by my actions. Cheating is betrayal, and betrayal is wrong (self-evident truths, and yet so is the pain from falling down the stairs and we had to learn that too).
I learned, slowly. The hard way. By my self. It usually took pretty momentous events to shock me into learning, but at least I learned. Stories for another day.
And then I spent two and a half years single, and kept learning. I honestly don’t know anyone who has spent so much time in his head, actively forcing his mind open and doing his utmost to find his way into the other shoes. Went to such lengths to understand himself and others. Not just on impulse, but as *the* underlying feature of his character.
Girlfriends hate that about me. I’m reasonable beyond reason. I wield logic and advocacy (in the devil’s sense) like clubs. It’s virtually impossible to get me to lose my temper. It’s happened three times. Ever.
And lots of girls… well, lots of people need some sort of emotional response in order to feel like a body cares.
Anyway, at the same time I was learning not to hurt people casually I was learning to keep a safe and easily manageable distance between us. Got very good at it. I’m a great dj. But I have recently been accused of the Jekyl & Hyde thing (my words, but nevertheless), and Hyde is an all too frequent party guest. I admit- when the gang gets together it’s hard to get any depth out of me unless you can tackle me one-on-one.
So I’ve learned some lessons too well.
It’s very hard to get close to me. Here’s this friendly, garrulous, boisterous happy guy who still manages to convey complexity, and yet very few people actually get to delve into that complexity. I’ve been a club kid too long.
True story: Twice in my life girls have pursued me expressly because they suddenly found my elusive depth and were fascinated at the discovery. Like polishing ancient silver. Who knows? Maybe it’s more than twice.
So why do I want a relationship? Because I know me. I’ve proven to myself that I can be perfectly happy on my own for however long I want to be. I know that I’m a whole and complete person. I know much of what I have to offer… and I want to find out how much more I have to give. I want to share my life and I want to be welcomed into someone else’s.
It’s not about finding and challenging the next contender to keep up anymore. It’s about putting two wholes together. Seamlessly, but overflowing in all directions. Two equals in complement. A best friend who excites me and is in turn thrilled by me. Or is content to be in the same room reading books and not talking for hours.
Why do I want to be in a relationship?
Because I’m ready.
wow, dj. thanks so much for answering! ‘Sounds like you’ve done a lot of growing and have come to quite a mature, honest and focused place. I’m impressed. Your last paragraph resonates with me quite loudly. Now that I’ve asked the question, I had better contemplate my own answer. hmmm. I’d best sign off for now, think on it, and get back to you a bit later. thanks again for entertaining the question so openly. really really glad you did!
COMMENT:
hehe, you said two holes. hee hee!
I was just having a relevent thought yesterday. I am the type of guy who can climb a mountain by myself but would much rather share the view at the top.
I’m that way with most things, like travelling. I would much rather have someone to share the experience with. I can picture myself sitting there turning to nothing and saying, “Hey! Look at tha…” ohh..
Good post Dj. I can relate to the thoughts and movements there, although my reasons and traits are obviously different than yours. I could still draw a parallel graph non-the-less.
Wow.
I’ve read this a few times, now, and have decided to file it away under “The Amazing Wisdom of My Friends.”
lovelovelove.
Agreed. Nicely done, Adrian. :)
Why I want and dont want a relationship: Cuz I really just don’t give a fuck. I know Its out there, but there is just ~SO~ much going on that is good and amazing and wonderful right now that I am not too concerned about The End. It’ll come.
Double WOW.
That was one fabulous piece of writing. I’m truly impressed by your ability to put it all out there, and by your complete and utter honesty. And as someone who “knew you when” — even though I haven’t seen you or spoken on the phone with you in over a year and a half — I can tell you’ve done some very serious growing. I’m very proud of you!
I’ve always known you had incredible depth, and I’m glad you’re sharing that with more people. And you’re right — anyone who doesn’t see that depth, or anyone who doesn’t understand the depth of your friendships, is not worth knowing.
And it’s in large part because of you that I’ve been able to do so much of my own growing (not over by a long shot!). So thank you.
Wow Adrian. I remember 8 years or so ago when I was one of those girls, well that is another story in itself. To be honest, you have done a lot of growing on the inside, but you are the same fun loving, great guy, with the best smile, and a whole lot of depth that you have always been, but with a bigger heart and even more intriguing than ever. With all of the words that you have been writing on your blog and saying to me lately, you have been making me do some inner soul searching regarding myself and my current situation. I am trying to figure out my life and the things that I want. I just hope that I can see them as clearly as you can. You inspire me and I want you and all of your friends to know that.
DJ, We both know it… so alike. I love you dude. I don’t know where to begin with how much you’ve helped me come into my own. I sense by the comments- and know for a fact, that you touch so many people in similar ways.
I’m glad we’re building up our relationship as we’ve talked about for quite some time. I sincerely hope you don’t think I’ve stolen anything, rather emulated… some say the highest form of flattery? ;)
Here’s to appreciation, companionship, and getting to know the dj. I’m honoured to be one of the few.
.g.
Thanks for opening up and sharing so much dj. It takes balls to put yourself out there like you’re doing. Thank you.
About the relationships part, I’m in a parallel track in terms of introspection, learning about oneself and stuff like that. In that sense I think I’m ready for whatever happens at the end of… “successful” relationships. ahhh. *gulp*
Right now though, I’m hyper-aware that the mill needs me too much. It feels like falling in love is a luxury right now… so anyways, that’s where I’m at. I can’t risk dropping the ball because I’m all starry-eyed and such. :)
Lately you’ve spurred some great introspection, thanks for taking us there.
yup. dj, you sure did make me think today. I thought A LOT about “relationships”. why. how. who. But unlike you, I haven’t reached any answers. but asking myself those questions was a great start and I’m glad for that. hadn’t done that in ages. thanks for sharing so that we could.
Today has quietly been one of the best days ever. Thanks everyone. I’m swimming in positive energy over here. I could never ask for more from anyone beyond hearing that I’ve made ya think. Seriously. Thanks guys.
So? Tell me where your thoughts have taken you since you read the post.
hmmm…very nice post.I don’t see how someone can be so clinical about their feelings and emotions though. It sounds so….I dunno..controlled?
Wowza, that post was amazing! I gotsta go think about this for a while… my brain is on overdrive.
~t~
ps. Thanks!
of course you want to share an experience.. you’re a DJ ;)
nice post m8!
I love you!!!!!!!!!
lol, send me a plane ticket, you sexy biotch :)
okay, maybe I’d be closely followed by an angry, jealous cop and his 3,000 gang members…I mean, colleagues, but I did have to say that I was thoroughly amazed and stupified.
You never cease to exceed my expectations, Adrian, and I value your wisdom and friendship.
:)