Common Sense Man

A strange time to post this, perhaps, because of the uncertainty of my current love life… then again, maybe not? Bear with me.

(mp3 of the moment: DJ Falcon & Tomas Bangalter – “So Much Love To Give”)

It’s funny. My life has reached a point of Zen sublimity. I can point clearly to the areas that aren’t as good as I’d wish, and that’s a new realization. And I’m doing something about each of those areas. It seems such a small thing, but one of my very best friends has hated his job with a crippling, numb passion for four or five years but rather than change it he just keeps going. Easier, and far less scary, than looking for something new.

I cannot judge, because I’ve been so damn lucky. My life is satisfying and if not full at least endlessly interesting. I only say it’s not full because of those few things I can point to. Which I’m working on. Which gives me a lot of satisfaction just knowing I’m taking an active hand. So I guess it’s really all good. A never-ending circle of general contentment.

And like I’ve known since I was a wee lad- it’s all because of the people around me. In my life I’ve dumped two different groups of friends because of drama that leeched my soul. Now I’ve got solid, dependable, intelligent friends. Scandal is years behind me like Melrose on primetime. Occasionally I find myself exposed to a game of some kind, and I’m struck by how far I’ve come.

I’ve come so far that I’ve forgotten how to play. You know how you feel when you watch just about anything on tv these days and you can’t believe how trite and shallow and patently ridiculous the dialogue and conflict seems? Well, that’s how I feel when I come across these games. I feel like some people watch too much tv. They’re living their lives believing that they’re starring in their own movie.

A confession: back when I was beginning to realize this penchant of Western Civilization to live life like a primetime drama, but not quite above it yet, I would get trapped in standard argument #6a with The Girlfriend and I’d step back and say something outrageous like, “and… ROLL CREDITS!”

Because that’s seriously how I felt. These girls honestly seemed to be expecting the credits to roll at the end of the scene, after they’d had their breakthough moment when everything became clear, understanding had been reached, and all was good in the world again.

I don’t know how many arguments I’ve been in like that. Almost a decade ago an old friend and I had been growling around each other for weeks, and finally one stormy night he snapped and stomped into his room. He came out wearing shorts and an old ripped t-shirt and Called Me Out.

So Out We Went. And in the thundering rain the wild look on his face said this was The Great Showdown.

After waiting a few seconds I stepped back and said, “What the hell are you doing? We have to wake up in the morning. We’ll still be here, in this neighbourhood, with all the same neighbours. We’ll still be roommates and we’ll still be friends.”

And he stood there for a while, getting really wet. The wild look slowly washed out of his eyes.

He laughed a little, feeling a bit foolish perhaps. We talked for a while out there. I was certainly willing to get drenched if that’s what it took for us to actually start communicating. And we went back inside and I think we had hot chocolate.

I guess there was value in having that breaking point, I just wish people (all of us) didn’t have to hit that climactic scene before we talked about things.

And yes, it drives girlfriends nuts that I keep the long view. They get wound up for a good confrontation and I settle in for a long session of actually working things out. I’m a good listener.

Try this experiment next time you find yourself in a confrontation. With anyone. Try to look straight through the situation and understand what the point of contention is. And then… remove it.

For example- the girlfriend is furious that You Never Talk To Her Anymore. Tell her she’s right and you really do need to spend more time with her. That’s the key, see. Instead of bitching about how busy you are and how she’s got no frickin’ right to whine when you spend one lousy night a week with your friends, and how you talk plenty but she’s never listening, and how you’re both too frickin tired at the end of the day anyway… instead of all that, just give it to her. You know damn well she’s right- NOT about what she’s actually saying, but about what the ACTUAL problem is. She misses you. What does it cost you to give that up? Sure you guys could have a fabulous three hour long bitch sesh about who’s really fucking things up, but why? You both know what the real problem is, and she’s frustrated, just like you. So skip the whole bashing skulls part and just give it to her.

Yes, chances are she’ll hate it. Most people have been so programmed by the media to fight and demand satisfaction that they have no idea how to deal with patient, perceptive understanding. They resent your attitude and conclude that because you aren’t getting upset you must not really care. It baffles me- anyone resenting simple understanding.

But what can you do? To each his own and I’d rather see people communicate with love and respect than risk destroying the very thing they both value so much that it’s driven them to this point in the first place.

A word to the wise- it takes practice. May the gods have mercy on your soul if you try to be understanding and you’re wrong about what the real problem is, or worse- you come across condescending. Yikes. I have been the target of teeth and lamps. True story.

Ah, drama.