flag-bearer

(told you you wouldn’t even recognize yourself) =)

These are strange days. I’m having a great time being alive, and I’m glad fate plunked me down here in Victoria. But you’re always going to wonder, aren’t you?

I love my friends very much, and I wish I were closer to some of them. I sometimes wish I had more friends, but it’s not a lack in these friends. Just an idea that there are more people out there just as fascinating and worthwhile as these ones. That makes it sound like I’m a collector, doesn’t it? That’s not really what I meant. If I had one complaint about my friends these days it’s that they don’t demand enough of my time. I’ve always wanted to hang out with Jason & Nick, because I think that would be a wikkid conversation. And I have always wanted to hang out with Grant for no other reason than to walk & talk. And take pictures of stuff. I’ve known Judd for two years and I still don’t know him. We’re both too busy. The list does go on. I think some of my friends would be surprised to hear me call them so, because there’s never been an opportunity to spend the time that makes such a thing self-evident. Rest assured- I’d like to spend more time with you.

(aside) I’m loving the Atomic Hooligans remix of Born Slippy. Just saying. Gotta play that next Saturday on Random Radio. And Thursday at Upstairs, of course. Just had to throw that in there because it’s playing right now. Gotta wonder if they pulled this out because the other two lads felt the need to remind the world that even though their DJ Darren has moved on they’re still the guys who did this. Or maybe it was just time. (/aside)

I guess if I’m to be honest with myself I’m not doing what I’d really like to be doing for a living. Sales at a web-based tech firm. I’m not a salesman, even though I seem to be pretty good at it. I love getting to know people, is what it comes down to. I love making personal contact. That means I can justify working at the Mill. There’s a place for me.

What would I really like to be doing? Haha! That’s where it all falls apart. I don’t know. I love creating. Graphics, writing, music. Feelings. I love crafting sensations. If you bust that down to its chemical elements I guess I love communicating. Taking something that my experience has produced inside me, and putting it out there to see what it produces inside you. And then you give that something back to me, and I add it to what I’ve experienced since, and I put it out there again to see what happens next.

Huh. There it is.

So what the hell is an unpracticed artist of all three classic media doing working in sales for a tech company?

Well, it’s Wondermill. It’s this collective of unique minds & hearts that want to do something amazing just to see if it can be done by the good guys.

…

Lately, between you & me, I’ve been afraid for that vision. We’re running so hard that we’re starting to look awfully professional. What’s wrong with that?

I’m not sure. Maybe I’m just not sure I’m a cookie-cutter professional. What happens when the job becomes bigger than you? What happens when it becomes more important for you to do your job, and do it very well, than it is to be you?

Well that’s crazy talk, some of you say. You say that the job is what you’re there to do. You were hired, you say, because they figured you’d be good at it. You’re there to do your job. Fill the position and never give anyone cause to wonder if they should have hired the other guy.

(aside) Moguai presents Punx – The Rock. Also a very top drawer song. (/aside)

Here’s the kicker though- some of you OTHERS are saying it’s crazy talk because who you are, who I am, is FAR more important than any job. I was hired BECAUSE I’m me. You were hired, you say, because even though there’s no piece of paper saying I’m qualified to do what I’m doing my interpersonal skills are so smashingly valued around there that the job is molded to fit me. It’s worth hiring a less-formally qualified person just so we can have YOU, sir, aboard.

So what happens when the mentality that made such a thing possible seems to be slipping away?

I have no doubt in my mind that Wondermill’s powerhouse will succeed in business. We have Highly Trained Professionals. There’s enough ammo in those guns to level any playing field. In this industry we are every bit as capable as anyone else in the game, and that includes any corporation you care to name. We’re smart, and savvy, and we know the rules. We invented some of them. We’re ahead of the game. Wondermill will win.

But when I say things like that I sometimes feel like I’m talking about someone else’s company.

It actually frustrates the hell out of me. I know I’m an asset there. I know I pull my weight and I know I do a good job. I bring ideas to the table and when the company needed one sales guy to do it all I did it. I know this is all in my head.

I love the people I work with. I want to keep working with them. I fully intend to back the Mill with everything I’ve got for as long as the Mill will have me. I’m content to be a sales guy because it means I get to be a part of the Mill.

But yes, that hinges on the Mill hanging on to its Vision. I’ve never heard of a company losing its humanity and being better off for it. Lots of people might get rich, sure. If “at the end of the day it always comes down to the numbers” then why are any of us upset with multinational corporations? What’s wrong with big block stores? What’s the big deal with off-shore banks or automated manufacturing? So what if it’s been twenty years since Reebok or Nike actually made their own shoes? Who cares if the service help line you’re calling doesn’t actually connect you to anyone working at the company?

I dunno. It shouldn’t matter what colour your skin is but a lot of people get killed over it.

*sigh* Part of me feels like these feelings are dated. We’re moving away from full steam ahead already, as the tools we’ve been building are coming on line. We’re settling in for a meat-eating cruising speed now. It’s really kind of exciting, knowing that we’ve built something better than anything else out there in its class. I want to be part of that juggernaut rumble to the top.

I want to be part of it, and I want to feel like I belong there as part of it. I guess that’s the rub. While the company is becoming a little less human-centric I’m feeling a little obsolete. When we talk about numbers and bottom lines I can’t help thinking that it was supposed to be about the excitement of knowing that we were creating useful tools and making honest money… and it was a bunch of friends doing it. We blew the whistle at 3 on Fridays and popped the keg, well-deserved.

I’m not opposed to working hard. I’ve never worked harder in my life. I’ve been flag-bearer to something I believe in. How many of you can say that you’re part of something that makes you, every day, feel lucky to the point of… guilt? I’m not opposed to hard work and compromise to be a part of that.

I should leave it there. That’s the shining, scintillating truth. THAT is what I want to be a part of. I want to be inspired. I want to keep bearing that flag.

Does that happen? Can you keep doing that forever? Does it have to change beyond recognition? Does everyone have to grow up and follow The Rules? Can’t we win and do it with ninja-like business skill AND child-like wonder?

(aside) Camel Riders – Twisted (original mix) (/aside)

I’ve admittedly been very spoiled. For ten years I’ve been able to look up at a packed dancefloor screaming at the drop of a perfectly chosen track and say to myself, “damn, I do not suck”. I’ve had the ultimate feedback loop for a decade. Bang. Good. Bang. Bad. Bang. Can we keep you for another year if we double your pay?

I was hunted down in Vancouver and asked to come back to open a club. He wanted me, and no other.

So I’ve been spoiled. At the Mill, for a long time, being me was exactly what the Mill wanted from me. And over the past couple years I’ve been picking up the skills that are necessary to fill the actual job description. Being me, with all my “deplorable excess of personality”, has been a Good Thing.

Feeling like that might not be enough… is really sucky. It’s not easy going from Key to Cog. Worse is the feeling that the company might let that happen. That, to me, is not fair. Not when I’ve poured so much love into it. Set fire to my nightclub and I can claim universal injustice, but let the colours of the Mill fade to uniform gray? How could you possibly justify that?

Whut? You’re still reading? Well, thank you for that. This inner turmoil has kept me from writing stream-of-consciouness for a couple months. The very fact that it’s coming out is the most positive sign that recovery is in the works at the Mill. A recovery toward something that still has a place for me.

I believe that while the frivolous and delightfully inefficent Old Mill may be dead, there’s plenty of hope that our Vision still has light left in it. Things are coming back down to Earth, as I said.

We have our Fearless Leader, and perhaps more importantly, he has us. I think the reminder will help him as much as it did me.