Sunday night we’re gathering at Oceancide for a very special evening of peerless entertainment.
That’s right kids, Adam West and Burt Ward are the only people who can foil a diabolical plot to steal the batmobile! Check out the fab details right here!
*sigh*
Lately I’ve been having one of those moods where you know perfectly well that your life is great and you have no reason to complain, but you’re still… meh. Just a little sad. I understand why, of course.
But the understanding hardly makes it any easier. A little odd that it took this long, I guess. Maybe I’m finally accepting certain realities. I just don’t lose well. It’s not loss, Jaime said, it’s liberation. Well, I reckon that feeling of liberation comes a little later. Right now I just feel ripped off. Great girl. Fabulous girl. I really like this girl. But she’s not in the same place I am, and there’s nothing either of us can do about it. C’est la vie.
Hmm. Back in the beginning of djmischiff.com/blog I decided I wasn’t going to share details as close to home as this. If this post isn’t here by this time tomorrow I guess I came to my senses.
Hey- a while ago I posted something without filtering and got called on it, and I was surprised in retrospect that I had been so inconsiderate. I just realized why it happened:
See- something like eight years ago I decided I wasn’t going to lie or cheat anymore. I had just gone through some mad times where some people very close to my heart got hurt and I had finally been made to understand that I was the cause of it. So I swore to myself that I would never be caught out in a lie, never do anything I wasn’t willing to take the consequences for. And I’ve lived that way ever since. No regrets, right Rainbow?
The problem, apparently, is that this freedom has watered down my ability to sensor things told to me in confidence. Not that I can’t keep a secret. I’ve forgotten more secrets than most people hear in a lifetime, and some of them are doozies. It’s that if someone shares something with me in conversation and I know I personally would be fine if it were me in their shoes and the knowledge became public, then quite likely I won’t stop to think that they might not feel the same. Get what I’m saying? Living a life largely free of dirty secrets (I said largely, not entirely. no one is a saint) has made me less able to govern what I spout out into my blog.
Take that ‘delete’ graphic up there. I’m not sure that’s entirely kosher. Which means I should nuke it. But I’ve had it sitting there for a couple months now, and it was either use it or lose it. I may end up doing both. Or, more amusingly, I’ll post like mad so it scrolls off the bottom. I’m a strange guy sometimes.
The people who knew the old me have largely fallen by the wayside. I jettisoned most of them because the whole mess of gossip was ridiculous and I just wasn’t allowed to try to change. I’ve held on to just a few of my friends from back then. Two different groups got left behind, partly because of me, partly because of the kind of people they were. The few that are left are far more important to me that they could ever know. First- part of them will always doubt that I’ve changed. And second- they don’t see me enough for them to judge for themselves.
Everyone likes to say of themselves, “oh how I’ve changed!” If you put the old crowds in a room with the new crowd and let them talk about me… you’d swear they were talking about two different people.
Well, let me just say that I’m proud of myself for growing. Some of us have to do it the hard way, you know?
The friends I have now are solid gold, and I believe that I have these friends purely because I’m a good enough person to deserve them. They’re good people, therefore I must be good people. They trust me to look out for them, and you’d best belee dat, sistah! I have full confidence that I will be close to some of them for the rest of my life.
I wonder…
I wonder if having these powerful bonds is scaring the girls off? Think about it- a fresh young prospect shyly enters the group and is welcomed with enthusiasm, but then she begins to sense the strength of the relationships these people have. I could easily see people being scared off by such ferocity of friendship. Too creepy, she’d say. Too incestuous.
But I guess a girl like that wouldn’t really be worth the effort then anyway, right? No depth.
‘morning. I thought I’d better post a comment quickly incase you decide to remove this post. :)
Creepy? Incestuous? Relationships as you describe them is nothing but Beautiful!!! Anyone who doesn’t see that is probably insecure on many levels: scared to share you with people who love you so much, jealous since she wishes that she had that too, worried she won’t be #1 in your life 100% of the time, etc. Bringing a girl into such an honest, warm, extremely welcoming group shouldn’t be Work. Frankly, it’s an attraction! The fact that you have such powerful bonds says a truck-load of great things about you that I don’t even have to know that much about you to deduce. I won’t feed your ego by typing them all out plus I suspect you already know them. :)
cheerio.
COMMENT:
I don’t have time for a comment right now that would do this post justice (I’m meeting you at Mac’s in 25 minutes for coffee, and haven’t showered yet!) but just wanted to say it’s one of your bestest posts ever and pleeeease no deletee. :)
You almost freaked me out there Adrian. I need to say, that I am one of the lucky ones to have you around in my life. I am one of the fortunate ones who has been around for those 8 years, on and off, and have seen you grow. I would say that you have always had a heart of gold, and you know that coming from me. You have a gift that can make anyone feel good about themselves, and that is one of the qualities that I love most about you. Evgenya could not have said it better. You have some amazing friends, and any girl lucky enough to date you should know that and accept that. Your friends are open hearted and will except the girl that you choose to love, because that is the type of people that they are, and she (being the lucky girl that she is) will be lucky enough, like myself to meet these amazing people that you surround yourself with. My goal is to meet someone that loves me enough to introduce me to their friends.
whew. Thats the post I’ve been waiting for from you for awhile ;) Agreed aa, one of the best :)
And I agree with evgenya. Anyone who is scared off by the “ferocity of friendships” you have, is likely not to be able to form a bond in the same way. It’s beauty, pure beauty. And magic. :)
*JOY!*
You see, after some wonderfully close to the heart posts and comments, all I want to do is break it up with a little something different.
*burp
See, that is just me. OH, and well done ol’ chap! I’m with aa, no deletee. I’m with you though too. Riding the edge of tolorence is difficult only because it widens and narrows depending on whos yard it borders. What may be dinner theatre to me, may be a slap in the face to all that is holy, to someone else.
Take my and Jamie’s perspective on stairs for instance :)
Peace out, glad to be back online.
As I have always told you Adrian, the place where you are right now is a good place and a place where many people wish they could be…The next girl that comes along probably won’t be scared off by your friends because she will realize that they are a very cool group of people. I can say openly and honestly that I am caught off guard seeing that but I am proud to be one of those people that has encouraged you to write more open stuff about who you are. I think you are fabulous too and that girl who gets to be “the one” is very lucky….
I can’t say it doesn’t hurt that the whole time I was with you I was one of the ones encouraging you to be more personal and then it has to be like that, about me, but hey….life is all about getting stonger right now and maybe I am not dealing with my own emotions about this anyways. So ‘delete’ me and move on, you deserve too, you deserve to be happy. I hope that when I am finished with my growing I will be somewhere close to being as complete within myself as you….Keep writing Ninja….
*sigh*
Seems to be introspective blog week for us “crazy swinging singles”, DJ.
I loves ya, and I suspect Nick loves ya, too. He told me. I’m drunk. Sorry to wreck this comments section. I’d hit delete, but I forget how.
I’m drunk and posting on everyone’s blog.
This post struck many chords in me. I can relate to the girl not being in the same place.
The only solution I’ve found is to be more careful at the start of the relationship. Especially as I’ve gotten older, I’m aware that I’m closer to That Age and it’s made me more cautious. In some sense it’s good. Less of starting down any paths that you just-honestly-know-up-front couldn’t possibly Work Out.
On the other hand, it’s overly analytical. It’s thinking too much at the wrong time. Sorta. Certainly less than romantic, I suppose. :/ You’re someone who’s in touch with living life to the fullest, right now and every day. That’s a good thing. It also means that as flirtation turns to a date or two turns to dating turns into a Relationship turns into Serious turns into … are you both in the right time/place? I don’t know, no words of wisdom here, just noodling out loud I suppose.
Maybe the ideal (and how one would become this I have no idea) is to be instinctively attracted only to people who were in the same headspace. The less this is the case, the more the rational analysing (ruining!?) mind has to step in earlier and avoid the relationship, if only to avoid the pain later.
Should we try to avoid that pain, or should we hold hands and jump off the cliff together even if there’s a little voice in our heads saying, “we’re probably not going to make it…”
Meh.
DJ, never doubt that you deserve the friendships you have. You have a heart and soul of gold and it is people like you who deserve the very best in all of their relationships.
I am usually very impressed by your blogging madness but this post in particular was stellar! I didn’t know you back in the day but I’m happy to know the DJ of today. Friendships and relationships are what ground us and make us who we are, if someone new entering your life doesn’t have that knowledge yet and respect the amazing friendships you have, you need to keep on truckin’. Settling is not an option.
Hugs to my favorite DJ :)
I think you should follow some advice I once heard Don’t ever regret the things you do.. only regret the things you don’t. If you don’t go for it how will you ever know?
in response to aa’s post above, I just have to say that “jumping off the cliff” isn’t always more romantic than the “rational analysis”. sometimes, it’s just dumb if you jump for all the wrong reasons (even if it is a passionate, exciting leap that’ll make for a great story afterwards). When I was younger, I got into relationships for all sorts of reasons, none of which are why I would get into one now. Perhaps it’s worth discussing “WHY?” openly on such a forum. I for one am curious why YOU (whoever is reading this) want to be/ doesn’t want to be/ are already in a relationship. (I know, I should just have my own blog so I don’t have to ramble on on yours, dj.)
As aa said, we’re hitting The Age. Of what? Well, the Age of Introspection, Realism, Confidence, Self-awareness and Pursuit of life’s goals. it’s a cool time in our lives with or without a partner AND I’m psyched about it.
happy monday morning, Folks!