The Farewell To Youth Tour

Last Saturday a large collective of dignified and professional citizens gathered in solemn procession to mark the observance of the passing of youth.

In other news a whole whack of us surprised the hell out of Jen for her 30th birthday when we showed up in a school bus and trucked her around town to some of her old haunts & got completely shellacked. And it was sponsored. =)

The mob gathered at co-conspirator Carrie’s at 6:30. I kept Jen occupied at my place under the premise of a nice quiet dinner for two to round off her month-long birthday celebrations. She kept bugging me to change but I couldn’t do that without risking her seeing the Farewell To Youth Tour shirt I had on underneath.

To keep things a little less problematic I had told Jen that our ride would be picking us up at 7:30 and she absolutely had to be ready. I told her to dress comfortably and she was going slightly mad trying to figure out what the hell that meant. She was dizzy with thoughts of limos or even Neil playing driver. No exaggeration: moments before the arrival of our ride she was hyperventilating despite my relentless and patient downplaying of the event.

Carrie buzzed when all was prepared downstairs. I bundled Jen into the elevator with laid-back efficiency. As we got off the elevator I hooked my hands around her waist to keep her moving.

First she saw her dad scurrying for a good camera angle. She slowed.

Then she saw the unruly mob scattered behind a long “happy birthday” banner and she stopped dead, falling back against me.

We needn’t have worried about capturing the look on her face. We couldn’t get it off for five minutes.

We paraded on to the Cougar Cruiser, cracked a road pop, and then we were off. First stop: the Station House Pub.

We had a lot of stops and only three hours with the bus, so there was nothing leisurely about this crawl. I think that’s what makes the difference between a decent crawl and an epic one: the frenzy factor. We flooded into the Station House and enjoyed the stares. It was only 8pm, so we quadrupled the head count in there.

The only negative thing I can say is that they had messed up the booking. They said they had been expecting us the Saturday previous. That must have been a bit of a let down. They rallied in decent form, however. We spent the great majority of our time there trying to get a drink into everyone’s hands but with only moments remaining I found myself with a mic in my hand and a contest to conduct.

Kass proved herself a strong swallower, beating Christine in a come-from-behind photo finish. Her prize: a muff diver. Naturally. Christine was sportsmanlike enough to hold her hair back for her.

In round two another close contest was won by Brian, edging Brad out in The Big Swallow. He eagerly dived into the victory muff and showed Kass how it’s supposed to be done. Messy, but satisfying for all.

With candy necklaces in place we bolted for the bus. After our first stop we were ten minutes behind schedule. Road pops were distributed and Gord the Bus Driver peeled rubber.

Next stop: Christie’s Carriage House Pub.

Brock and the girls made us feel very welcome and Steve proved his mad bartending skills once again. In no time we all had drinks and he even made the special effort of spicing my pint up with a shot of scotch. I may have developed a taste for it. This is the guy who used to drink Rusty Nails out of pint mugs when we worked together at Vertigo. Ah memories…

Jen got a drink or two on the house, which may have been for her birthday but may also have been in return for the firm bum-grab she gave Steve. That’s my girl.

We didn’t want to leave, but the clock stops for no one and we had to go crash a party.

The Cougar Cruiser Crew was now thoroughly lubricated. There was singing. There was dancing. There was flashing and there was streaking. And those candy necklaces were getting a good gnashing.

We crossed the bridge and like a frothy avalanche we hammered into the DaVinci Hall to join a party already in progress. It’s 9:45. We were quickly welcomed with Mardi Gras beads and beverages from the bountiful beauties of Bavaria beer. And a twenty-foot long Twister board. Jen won despite fierce competition, and didn’t get caught cheating. Thanks for having us, Jere.

Under the merciless lash of the clock we thundered back on to the Cougar Cruiser and motored forth. Next stop: the Sticky Wicket Pub.

One of the powerful figures in the shadows of the monolithic Strathcona Hotel is Joel. He & I go way back to the days when Pat Shade & I stuffed Legends to the rafters and had ’em lined up for a block & a half. I had made arrangements with him for the Cougar Crawl to show up as close to ten as possible. Later than that and we might get stuck behind traffic waiting to get in. We got there at 10:30 but I had called ahead to the front desk, saying we were going to be late and we were prepared for delays. When we arrived we were greeted by blank faces. Not a good sign. We flooded the main bar anyway and I went in pursuit of answers. Long story short, no one was expecting us and our prize package was nowhere to be found. No booking, no reserved section, no dedicated bartender, no love whatsoever. I had followed procedure and I know Joel held up his end, so somewhere in the middle someone dropped the ball in a pretty major way. This is not the first time this has happened. Most of us didn’t bother getting drinks (some of us that tried were simply unable to get the bartender’s attention) and we made up some time on our schedule. My advice: call ahead, then call ahead, then call ahead again. You can’t confirm enough times.

Bidding farewell to the Cougar Cruiser and our intrepid driver Gord we hot-footed down to our next stop: The Lucky Bar.

We were expected and we were ushered right in. Liam was on the decks spinning some very tasty dance music and no one hesitated to hit the floor. Our party was starting to fray around the edges– only thirty or so, but I was amazed we were still holding together so well after four stops, ten drinks and a four block walk. We danced, we drank, we took pictures and we had a thoroughly great time. We could have finished the night there and no one would have felt a lack. It was here that my memory started to get nudged aside to make room for more shots. I blame Liam’s warm hospitality.

We stayed longer than scheduled but you don’t walk away from a good time like that without a struggle. Nevertheless, our last stop awaited: the UC.

Saturdays being what they are at the UC we were expecting a bit of a wait to get thirty of us in the door. The door guys were great and Johnny & Mirko did their best for us. It took about twenty minutes and three groups but we got us all in. This is why most bar crawls in Victoria make the UC a priority stop. They really do work for you.

And then we were in. My responsibilities were duly executed and I could now stop pretending to be present and accounted for. I may or may not have stopped pacing my beverages. I know my memory of things from that point is a little gap-toothed. The photos show we had a great time though. Two hours flew by and by all accounts we had an epic time. We dominated the speaker dancing and I’m sure we made a dent in the alcohol reserves. I am really glad I traded my promo tab to waive the cover for the Cougars. I shudder to imagine how I would have felt the next day. How we all would have felt.

When the ugly lights came up we sloshed out like the tide. The night had taken its toll and the Farewell To Youth Tour was down to ten or so. Jen was famished and led the charge in search of sustenance. The ragtag remnants of the Cougar Crawl went to Lenny’s.

Our server’s name was Adrian, which caused no end of amusement for some reason. We were all at that stage where you’re still having a blast and it really doesn’t occur to you that there might be people around you who don’t appreciate the volume of the entertainment. In retrospect we were That Table… or Those Tables, as the case may be.

But we were having a great time. We laughed, we sang, we danced, we feasted on the greasy goodness of Lenny’s.

At around 6am, we crashed. Good night, all.

listening to: tiebreaker – settle the score