so money

“Why Mildred, I do believe that’s the biggest, finest cock I ever laid eyes on.”

Vegas, baby.

Jen & I left the Impromaniacs and Bellingham bright and early Sunday morning after a brisk four hour sleep (preceded by a colossal game of celebrity– the drinking version– which only ended through sheer exhaustion). Our shuttle driver was a cute little blonde who was cheerful though thankfully not chattery. Our dj was a little stretched thin. Some might even accuse him of a slight hangover. I plead sleep deprivation. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

At the tiny Bellingham airport Jen admitted that we had two hours to kill. We grabbed a sammich & coffee for brunch and were resigning ourselves to a slice of floor when a couple actually fended off the elderly so we could have their table. I have to pause here and say that the overwhelming majority of the Americans I encountered while in the States were polite, generous and not nearly as thick as their elected representatives would lead you to believe. After we ate we returned their kindness by vacating the table so others could eat. We grabbed that floor and killed some time.

The flight to Sea-Tac was brief and uneventful. I read and Jen dozed. Immediately upon arriving we found our connection to Vegas was delayed. We killed another two & a half hours with some help from Burger King (there wasn’t a sammich in sight, unfortunately) and a few good magazines. I even managed to nap for twenty minutes or so. Rare for me unless I’m strapped to a chair. I just have too much fun travelling to sleep.

Finally we were off. After leaving the hotel in Belly Ham at ten in the morning we arrived in Vegas at 8:45 that evening. Same time zone. I strongly suspect that Alaska/Horizon Air cuts costs by scrapping flights if they can shuffle everyone onto fewer planes. Expedia reports that the flights are only 50% on time and the planes were full, so you tell me.

That said, the flight staff were great and we arrived in one piece so enough with the complaining.

Vegas.

When you fly in at night you can see that the city is built on flatlands and it’s relatively new– 2004 marks the 100th anniversary, apparently. Huge patches of strict grid lines interspersed by occasional black areas waiting for development. The airport is a stone’s throw from the Strip- we flew in directly over Mandalay Bay. If I had known where we were I would have kept a sharper eye out for the beacon on top of the Luxor.

Arriving at the Excalibur is fun. You drive right up to a fairy tale castle, straight out of Disneyland, all white and crimson and gold and royal blue. The sheer scale of the place is enough to make you stop for a moment to take it all in, and I would find myself doing that for the next three days. You realize on a fundamental level exactly why cathedrals were built on such a massive scale- to inspire awe. You feel small but excited to be a part of it. And yes I’m comparing congregational religion to big money. Believe me, I’m not the first to do it.

All the hotels in Vegas devote their first floor to two things: checking in and the casino. The Excalibur doesn’t sport the biggest casino in Vegas, but that turned out to be for the best. I was suitably impressed then, and then again at the bigger ones down the street. It’s amazing what money will do to make more money. You could smell it. Ancient cigarette smoke and money. Dirty money. But the oxygen they pump into these places helps you get excited. You can’t help thinking that somebody has to win, and why not you? That’s how chance works, right? They don’t call it fortune for nothing, yes?

Jen was checking in and I was checking it all out.

Unfortunately I happened to see a middle-aged woman picking her nose while plugging a slot machine, but as far as first impressions go I was willing to let this detail slide.

Our room had a very cool view, which made up for its three star standardness. Very… Travellers Inn, which all Victorians can relate to, usually while rolling their eyes. I will say that some effort had been made. There were imitation tapestries fixed to the walls and the poster prints were not only medieval themed but depicted the Excalibur itself. The shower was great- lots of pressure and double-wide space. That made up for the toilet which had been falling apart for years and the fan which was mostly useful for making noise. To be fair the house service is excellent. Immaculate even. Top marks. And after all is said and done if you’re spending enough time in your hotel room to complain about the decor then you shouldn’t be in Vegas. That’s what Boise is for.

We were up late despite our tiredness. How could we not? We had decided to just nip downstairs for a quick look around and to fight off the hunger demons again. We cruised the main floors of the Ex but by that hour most of the restaurants were closed. I think that may just be an off-season thing, but what do I know. Lots of gamblers, but not a lot of eaters.

We ended up across the street at New York, New York, at the quaintly named America restaurant. It was big, gaudy, and most importantly: open. The decor was a little OTT. The main feature was a sprawling relief sculpture of the continental US. And by sprawling I mean fifty feet across, maybe more. I tried to ignore the dust. The service was very slow, but even though he started out quite brisk with us he warmed up once he realized we were fun people. I noted the Keno, which around here we only get at a few scattered pubs. In Vegas it’s everywhere you wanna be.

On the way back to the room I think we played some slots. I honestly don’t remember. Too tired.

I think we got to bed around 2, with full tummies and slightly overwhelmed brains. There would be a lot to see tomorrow.

11:30am. Time to get up. In every hotel I’ve ever stayed in before the curtains are just heavy enough to do the job. In Vegas they’re designed to keep the daylight out, so decent people can get a good day’s sleep. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is just how I like it.

We set off on our quest through the Excalibur in search of food. It took half an hour to find our way.

Brunch was the Round Table buffet. Frickin’ huge. No, wait. Frickin’ huge. I’m sitting here looking for the words. Some way of bringing it home to you. Jen has a map. A map. Inconveniently large, is what I’m trying to say. Getting a refill for your beverage was a trek. Pack a lunch. No wait you can eat on the way because the streets are lined with food. Twelve bucks.

You know what? This story is going to take some telling. Almost 1200 words and we’ve only had brunch. I’ll post this, along with the long-awaited link to the official mischiff’s Vegas Picture Album, and continue this story after some sleep.