There’s a debate going on right now in the Impromaniac ranks about next year’s rehearsal days:
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SICK AND TIRED OF THE SAME OLD TUESDAY?
NEED MORE TIME TO RECOVER FROM MONDAYS?
WONDERING WHAT TO DO WITH THAT AWKWARD MIDDLE PART OF THE WORK WEEK?
LOOKING FOR A DAY WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS?
WELL LOOK NO FURTHER! WEDNESDAY IS THE “IT” DAY FOR 2005!
“Wednesday understands what the working person wants, You can really tell Wednesday is commited to job creation” -Friday
“Wednesday is a pioneer, a visionary if you will. Wednesday always seems to be one step ahead” -Thursday
“If there’s one thing I know about Wednesday, it’s that Wednesday knows how to get down on the dancefloor” -Saturday
“I’m not going to be able to come to improv for the next six months if rehearsals are on Tuesdays.” -Ryan Whyte
VOTE WEDNESDAY IN 2005!
This message has been brought to you by the FRIENDS OF WEDNESDAY.
“I’m Wednesday and I endorse this message”
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Ryan Whyte will have you believe that Wednesdays are good for the Impromaniacs.
But Ryan Whyte is DEAD WRONG.
Would you put your trust in a man that once worked for Future Shop, matches his shoes to his belt almost EVERY day, *AND* has been quoted as saying “I’m gonna kill you and your unborn baby!” on stage??
Sure… he may have twisted the words of some of the other days of the week, but those comments were taken out of context and the true meaning of the quotes was exaggerated beyond measure. Plus, it’s a known fact that Friday is a whore and will say anything you want if you pony up the bucks.
Tuesday has a proven track record of over 13 years of diligent service. You simply can’t argue with those numbers. For a REAL improv experience be sure to re-elect TUESDAY in 2005.
Paid for by the “Wednesdays Suck For Me” Association of the Tri-City Area.
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*straightens his tie, and steps up to the podium*
My fellow Impro-maricans…
I come to you now as the voice of reason, as the voice of hope, and as the voice of utter insanity. Today, December the 6th, 2004, will long be forgotten as the day you, the people, were asked to make a choice.
Some of my worthy opponents will have you believe it’s as simple as picking either Tuesday or Wednesday. But I say NAY! I say we must complicate things by nominating a day that will never work! We must do this for one reason, and one reason only. Because it’s silly.
While Ryan Whyte was correct when he said that Friday said:
“Wednesday understands what the working person wants, you can really tell Wednesday is commited to job creation.”
But what Ryan Whyte forgot to tell you is that at that point in history Friday was drunk. Yes, my friends! Friday was off drinking with Monday! And Monday is not as innocent as it would like you to believe!
The future is dependant, indeed, on what you decide! I urge you now to sit, and think about this issue. Indeed, for over a decade now, Tuesday has been true to us. But I ask you at what cost?! How much did we have to pay for Tuesday? These are questions that may never be answered.
In closing, I would just like to say, that I do not in any way know what I am talking about. Please, regardless of what I have said, do not pick Saturday, pick Tuesday or Wednesday. Thank you.
*paid for by that little dorky guy in the thick rimmed glasses that sits behind you in college english class and likes to breath heavily while wiggling his toes under his desk.*
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Recently, many of you may have noticed campaign materials from a certain unnamed day of the week in your inboxes.
SOME DAYS OF THE WEEK WILL STOOP TO ANY LEVEL TO GET YOUR VOTE.
Wednesday wants a campaign that’s focused on the issues. Issues that matter to real people.
Some days of the week have recently resorted to vicious, underhanded smear tactics intended to slander the good name of Wednesday.
Wednesday has a proven track record shoring up the middle of the work week, and that’s a fact. You can check it in a book.
Wednesday has always and will always be one day closer to next weekend. You like weekends don’t you?
THE CHOICE IS UP TO YOU. DO YOU WANT MORE POLITICS? OR DO YOU WANT A DAY THAT’S COMMITED TO REAL CHANGE. AND ISSUES… ISSUES THAT MATTER TO PEOPLE… REAL PEOPLE. PEOPLE LIKE YOU…
VOTE WEDNESDAY. IT’S ONE DAY CLOSER TO NEXT WEEKEND.
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We’ve heard from the candidates. But remember who we haven’t heard from — the minority.
And by minority, I mean the female Hebrew Italians. Oh yes, and all the other UVic kids as well. Sorry.
Remember that we are the future, and a future cannot possibly be formed if said builders of the future are not there in the present and — wow, I honestly just lost my train of thought.
Right then, let’s place it straight on the table: I’ve got a Wednesday class from 3:30 till 7:00 (Film studies is now the bane of my existence). I know that the other UVic kiddies have restrictions too — our days are as tight as leather pants on a fat man.
Tuesday has been working for us so far, so please don’t leave the little ones behind.
And, for a mere two dollars a day, you can keep a UVic student clothed, fed, sheltered, and educated. Please call the Adopt-A-Vike hotline — and make a difference in this world.
*cough* *cough*
Yep. I think that’s it.
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CNN NEWS
TUESDAY CAUGHT IN WEDNESDAY LOVE NEST
Santa Monica CA. Last weekend, Tuesday was caught nearly naked, walking hand in hand with Wednesday on the beach outside Wednesday’s Santa Monica beach house.
When asked for her reaction, Tuesday’s wife, Monday, was quoted as saying, “He’s sleeping with that @#&%^&*&^? Well, she’s welcome to him, he was never good in bed anyhow!”
Tuesday and Wednesday have not been available for comment, however Wednesday’s publicist released the following statement this morning:
“Wednesday and Tuesday wish to announce their upcoming wedding as soon as the divorce of Tuesday and Monday is finalized. They also wish to announce that Wednesday is expecting twins in the new year. The happy couple plan to name their children Mardi and Mercredi.”
The Committee for the Election of Wednesday has withdrawn their sponsorship of Wednesday’s candidacy. Miriam Thornton-Day, chair of the Committee for the Election of Wednesday was quoted as saying, “We trusted that wh*^%% and look what she has done. I’m devastated.”
The Committee for the Election of Tuesday has also withdrawn their sponsorship of Tuesday’s candidacy and has thrown their support behind October 17th.
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Transcript of Wednesday’s statement to the press this evening:
“Ladies and gentlemen of the press.
“We live in troubled times. We are besieged by foreign warmongers who would destroy our way of life. They attack our very will to live in a peaceful and democratic world. Our once simple lives as decent Americans sheltered from the realities of the entire world are now treacherously undermined even by our own neighbours. Where we once watched wholesome and educational programming like Happy Days and The Dick Van Dyke Show we now melt our brains with so-called reality television and Fox News, proven tools of the devi… err… commu… dammit… foreigners!
“While I cannot expect anyone in today’s uptight carnivorous North American society to condone my actions of these past few weeks I must ask you: is this the world you want your children to grow up in? A world of senseless violence and violent acts of senselessness…ess? Senseslessness? And bad tv? Think about that for a second.
“I beseech you as true warm-blooded Americans to look past the lies and rumours spread by a cowardly press (sorry guys, I’ll buy the next round) and irresponsible media. Stand true to your warm-blooded patriotism and make a decision based on your hearts, not your eyes. Don’t let fear lead you from the path of good ol’ American know-how and down-home country cookin’. Yes, I know how to cook down home!
“I will remain in this election as any true patriotic apple-pie eatin’ Gramma lovin’ buy-American American would! I defy the press (bear with me, guys) and I defy today’s sadly declining moral values. Yes, a vote for me is a vote for this country and indeed the world as it oughtta be run!
“But if you want the other candidate to win you go right ahead and vote for him! I’m not one to slander my worthy and honourable opponent but he cheats on his wife! You want a guy like that in government? You want to show up every week on a night that looks at Monday like she was yesterday’s news?
“Vote for me and I promise you- the other guy will not win! I will beat him! I will oust him from his comfy chair and rout him from our precious homeland! Never again will you have to listen to his cheap promises and worthless lies of a weekend long over the horizon. He promised me that weekend. But he couldn’t get there except through me. That’s right! Only I can bring you one day closer to that glorious future! And I promise you this: you will not have to show up for rehearsal until a full half hour later than the best Tuesday can offer you.
“Please. When you go to the polls. Vote Wednesday. Fonzy would have wanted it that way.”
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And so the debate continues to rage unabated, unanswered, and unintelligible.
Sometimes, you scare me. :)
COMMENT:
Geez, I bet you impromaniacs could make anything funny…
No, Xen. There’s just nothing funny about broccoli.
A very entertaining piece indeed…thank-you.
You’re right, broccoli’s not funny. Every time I see it standing on top of Mashed Tater Mountain, with lumpy brown gravy sitting at its stem, solitary and unappreciated, it brings me to tears…..