Traditionally this is the end of the year when we get introspective as much as we get extroverted. While we’re all bonding and celebrating and sharing around a healthy injection of love some of us find ourselves looking inward. Who we are. Where we’re at. This idea scares a lot of people. Not everyone has the courage to look inside. Not critically. Not really. I think it’s healthy in a character develomenty kind of way.
Sometimes I think I do it more than most. Or at least more than your typical citizen does. It’s because I read the news. Some of the things we do to each other are so far outside my experience that I can’t comprehend how it’s possible to be so horrible to another person. I feel like anyone who really stopped to think for a minute about what it means to be alive, what it means to share existence with everyone else, couldn’t *do* the things that these people do.
But then I’ve never had a gun pointed at me. I’ve never been terrorized. I’ve never even been hungry in a dangerous way. No one has ever invaded my city or forced their religion on me. I’ve never been told by my spiritual leader that I must kill or die to prove my faith. I’ve never had to steal to live. I’ve never even had to be alone if I didn’t want.
So who am I to judge those that have been through all this? Maybe violence is natural and I’m sheltered.
I think I’d feel a lot better about humanity if the other side of the shiny sheltered coin could do the same. There are many who share similar experience to mine but can’t wait to point a gun. Like it’s manly or something.
No, my little world is full of trials and tribulations like who to call up for brunch on Sunday. Where to eat. Which movie I want to see today and which one I want to save until next week when I can see it with the gang.
My biggest struggle these days is learning how to be part of a couple again.
How’s that for strife?
I’m very independent. Ask my parents. I wasn’t home unless I had to be. And since then I haven’t changed all that much in that sense. I like spending time on my own. I’m a thinker. A free-thinker. I can spend most of a day wandering aimlessly with a camera in one hand and a book in the other. Hours. Not saying a word to anyone and without the slightest urge to get in touch.
It’s a luxury I try to find for myself at least one day out of the month. I’ve found that I’m happiest if I get one of those days every couple of weeks. The idea has been formalized in a thousand different cultures in a thousand different ways. Meditation. Contemplation.
Walkabout.
I’ve found that after one of those days I’m so much more able to deal with anything that comes along. It’s all manageable. Answers come more easily to me. The house gets cleaned and I get motivated.
Poor Jen. I feel like somebody should have warned her. She’s warm-blooded and full of love and she surrounds herself with people all the time. She’s got so much energy for it. She just gives and gives and it’s inexhaustable. I don’t know how she does it. And of course she feels the same way about me. She’s a bit unsure of her footing when I get that distant look in my eye. I try to explain that I love her as much as ever and that everything is great and I just need some time on my own… well, that sounds the way it sounds, yes. There’s just no reassuring way to put that. Not that I’ve found yet, anyway.
A worry: you never hear about the wives of Plato or Aristotle or Confucius. Did Nietzsche have a girl? Did McLuhan have a main squeeze? Hmm. Well, maybe I’m smarter than them and I can figure out how to think and have a girlfriend. =)
Seriously though, this is a huge adjustment. I’ve been single for so long that my ability to effortlessly compromise has become rather dusty.
Actually, you know what? Maybe it was never that sterling to begin with.
I like to think of myself as being a good negotiator. Able to see both sides and reach a reasonable solution that works for everyone. But maybe I was never really that good at compromise. Maybe I’ve always more or less had things my way.
Then again, if that were true I wouldn’t have had the success I’ve had in relationships. And I’ve had some success. So I can’t be all that merciless a dictator.
Jen, sugar-my-love, do you think you can manage to put up with me if I occasionally go walkabout? It really isn’t you. It’s just always been my way. I’ve yet to wander off never to return, so my record is pretty good so far. Not everybody gets it so don’t feel like it’s your fault for not intuitively understanding. I’m just…. A pain in the ass is what I am, I guess.
Jason & Stephen hit the one-year milestone recently. So did Grant & Lola. Jen & I tagged the three-month speedbump. So far so good.
Yup, a little perspective goes a long way. Tuesday the Impromaniacs had a very successful night at the Old Bailey, with every seat filled and every face laughing. I pulled off a not-half-bad Sean Connery. Wednesday I had dinner at the Irish Times with some of Jen’s family & friends and again I felt very welcome. Thursday I finalized the sale of another picture after planning some adjustments to the colour to suit her decor (I can do that). And Thursday night, as I write this, Jaye and I had a great time at the club.
No one persecuted my family. No one bombed my house. No one staged a martial political coup. I was hungry but I had a pita and I’m fine now.
Merry Christmas, all. Life is good. And my place looks awesome.
jewelery works…like a charm..and a phone call. You get a lot of mileage from using the phone.
COMMENT:
From one “walkabouter” to another, I understand where you’re coming from. I too need those alone days where it’s just me, myself, and I. It’s therapy. It’s a time to collect my thoughts and really appreciate life. I could sit down at Dallas Road staring at the water for hours just contemplating… it’s a marvelous thing really. I admire people like Jen… and Lola… constantly surrounding themselves with people – always laughing with each other and sharing. But there’s something to be said for alone-time. That’s who you are and your walkabouts have shaped you into the person you are today… keep on truckin’.
Well, you know what an insecure wench I can be, so I thought I’d share how Mike and I finally worked out the same problem. Not that Jen is insecure, but I was, so it was hard when he wanted to ride his bike all day, or go for a three day back country hike. Alone. After a lot of sulking, and guilt, and sadness, he stopped doing his favorite things…..(he has a hard time saying no to me) and he got miserable. I finally realized how much better things were when he came home happy, rested, recharged, and ready for lovin! Now I make sure he feels the freedom he really has. He sometimes feels like he doesn’t have the time he needs, with the 2 young kids, and a wife who needs time out as well, he tends to take the responsiblity of family life very seriously, not that I’m complaining. But he is so much more able to deal with those responsiblities after a 50 km ride! Yes the weather has been creating tension in the ranks. Jen, he is so smitten with you, focus on that. And Ady, you suck at compromise, but this is something you shouldn’t compromise on. Arrange things in advance, let her know about how long you’ll be, call if you realize you need more time, and if all else fails, bring home jewellery! Just my story, hope it helps, or if nothing else, hope I didn’t offend.
K
In my own extensive experience of 3.5 years of marriage preceded by 1.5 of living in sin together ;) I’ve come to the realization that everybody has that thing…something that needs to be done every week or so to recharge the soul. For me its a day or evening of complete quiet, chocolate, a hot bath and general self indulgence…For Dan, if he doesn’t get social time with stimulating conversation, he goes bonkers. We have both realized that it is better to let each other have our “mental health” days then deal with each other being strung out. Compromise, as well as trust is very important on these days. Compromise is the easy part. So on a side note, do you know what Jen’s “thing” is? Maybe indulging hers first might be a step in the right direction?
hmmm…so you’re comparing yourself to Plato, Aristotle, Confucius, Nietzsche even? McLuhan? Those are some pretty big shoes to fill…
Okay, normally if there is a wrench to be thrown this is when I throw it.
But everything so far seems to make so much sense! I think Krista made a good point, and that is if you stop doing what you do you will stop being who you are. And consequently stop being the person she fell for in the first place.
You and I both know that there have been times in our recent past that we forgot just how good we had it. You also know (and mentioned) that no matter how bad off we think we are, globally speaking we have nothing to complain about. For some reason I felt the need to compress and express a view in one sentence.
I don’t think I succeeded; I thought about what if we took our favorite food and ate it for every meal every day? I thought about many metaphors, and they all sucked. So, a long winded, not always accurate, explanation will follow instead.
What does Jen do while she’s work? Perhaps spend time focusing on a few tasks, interact with some co-workers, then think about Adrian and perhaps email and or text him. She’ll miss him, think of him and look forward to seeing him next. Maybe she will make a list of potential vacation places, or people to invite to a party, or a reminder to hang Christmas lights.
Basically a walkabout is similar. Dj goes out, gets a breath of fresh air for his lungs and his mind, shuffles some papers around in his head, thinks about Jen, re-organizes papers in his head, makes some mental lists and looks forward to coming home to her now that he has done some mental housekeeping.
Its all about keeping our living space clean, for right brained people the space between the ears is similar to any workstation. Even with the best intentions sometimes it gets a little cluttered and just like any other living environment we feel so much better, and function better when it is tidy. Not that we weren’t happy living there in the first place, we just feel so much better when it is clean.
the simple fact that you can express to jen that you need this time, and that you love her no less when you need to walkabout, says that you already know more about being in a couple then many people i have met.
dj, you and I are in the same boat. Well, we are in the same model of boat on the same oceans and sometimes we pass each other in the middle of the night and say “hey”. The thing about the thing is that you have to be happy to be happy. And all these great loveless thinkers were far too self absorbed to see outside of self and be in the hearts of others. And you sir are not that guy.
So get back in your boat and meet me in the Pacific for coffee. I’ll bring snow.
appealing to a girlfriend over a blog . . this is awesome.
as it’s been almost 3 months that i’ve been single, and not a hint of a girlfriend, i’ve taken to managing my own time quite well these days. i mean it was pretty easy to do as well when i had a girlfriend in scotland. davin definitely needs davin time, and the longer davin has davin time, the more davin does with his davin time and the more meaningful it becomes. maybe one day irreplacable. i think definitely irreplacable..
so i don’t think it is that odd. to be your own attractive person you must know what works for you, and this is one of those things, i would suspect.
cool.
everyone has posted such insightful perspectives! look at us all learning from each other. ;)
from the extrovert camp, i would like to mention that i don’t want to be surrounded with people all the time or constantly entertaining others. i really enjoy the time and attention of the people i love, but i see that being a definite difference than just wanting to be surrounded with action and activity all the time.
at my job, for example, i am immersed in interaction all day long, whether i like it or not. and it’s not really enough to just be present, i have to be sparkly and fun and charming and make that person’s time with me valuable (to them, so they keep coming back). but since my clients are paying for my time and energy, they get a lot of it. at the end of the day, the last freaking thing on earth that i want to do is be around people (aka: the public) anymore. i love my clients, but they can sometimes really drain me.
i *am* happy to spend time with grant or my friends – i want their attention and company. it often recharges me, just the way DJ mentioned a long walk alone recharges him. and sometimes (no disrespect to the loved) i don’t want any attention either! even extroverts need downtime. ;)
and i guess my rambling point is that i expect a little downtime for both of you will go a long way in maintaining a long and happy and peaceful relationship. as long as you each respect *how* the other one recharges, and know that there is lotsa love there (which there obviously is), then i would say you’ve got it made.
life *is* good.
xox
L
Hi Dj, I work with Jen and let me tell you, you’re pretty much all I hear about. She adores you to no end.
I completely understand where you are coming from because I have been there also. (Actually I should say, my now husband has been there.) We started dating about 9 years ago in January and all I ever wanted to do was be with him, morning, noon, and night. I got upset when he would want to go hang out with his friends and not me or if he wanted to go play basketball with the boys on Tuesday night, I just loved his company and wanted to be in it always. I didn’t realize that I was, for lack of a better word, smothering him.
It took me about two years to realize that he needed space, it was hard to accept at first and hurt a little at the same time, But I finally got it, like a lightbulb, it wasn’t about me (specifically), it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be around me; he just wanted to miss me. Something he never had the time to do with me always there.
My point is be patient with her, she loves you and she will realize that you will always come home to her.She already gets it she just need time to adjust.
And Jen I know you’ll read this and I hope I didn’t step on your toes. I care that’s all.
All the best to you both.
Alone is a comfortable baseline. If you can’t be happy at baseline, then anything you build on top of it will not be as sturdy as you’d wish.
btw, Nietzsche was a misogynist. He grew up with his mother and sisters and loathed women. His concept of the überman did not include the female gender, which makes him a tough pill to swallow in today’s day and age.