hullo, here we are

Fair question. Where have I been?

That was a hard post to write. Among the hardest anything I’ve written, I’m sure. It spent weeks inside me, and we went for frequent negotiations, as I said. I wasn’t sure I wanted to share all that. I took two days to write it, which is a first (Aaron laughs at such haste). I felt very surreal when I actually hit the button to post.

I had to hold off on posting for a couple days. Partly to see what you would have to say, and partly to figure out what had happened.

It said too much, and at the same time I didn’t know if it said enough. Obviously there was a hell of a lot more going on during my life than what I mentioned there, but it’s not an autobiography. Just expository detail. Whole books got left out while I tried to pick out the details that illustrated my story. I don’t know if I said what I wanted to say. I still feel surreal.

I received emails, and had some deep conversations, and of course there are the comments in the post itself. I think everyone reacted in different ways, looking into the post as a mirror to see what would be reflected back. Truth be told I think that’s frickin cool. I’ve said often enough that I want to show people my experience not as especially unique, but entirely common- to make it obvious that the credits never roll, the movie never ends, and while you are the star of your own show you’re just supporting cast in everyone else’s.

Sympathy, commiseration, empathy and congratulations were all in there. Response ran the spectrum. That kinda reinforced my wondering if I managed to communicate my feelings. Then I thought some more about it and I decided that I managed to get the idea out there better than I knew. It IS a complex feeling. It does come in waves and it does make me feel ten different ways. So I got back exactly what I put in. Shocking.

Yeah, it still feels surreal. When I was younger I went through a phase where I externalized emotional pain. It scared some people, and disgusted others who thought I should know better. But it’s a perfectly valid theory that has had the nod through untold centuries of human history. And we use the idea now every day, all the time. Psychiatrists and magazines tell you to talk about it. Get it out. Don’t let it fester inside you. I just made it a physical act. I grew out of it, not necessarily because it was wrong, but because I learned better ways of handling it. Like talking about it. Heal scars instead of make them.

I don’t know if posting those feelings has changed anything. I don’t feel like a new man. One thing though- and in the long run the most important- I don’t feel alone. Nothing has changed except for that. Not that I really felt alone. More like isolated, walled off. And, yes, lonely. While I don’t accept that making it common knowledge gives me any sort of lattitude for radical behavior, I at least can take comfort in the unspoken (or openly spoken) acknowledgement of understanding from friends. Which is to say that I’m still not allowed to punch holes in fences, but at least now they know I’d sometimes like to. =)

I guess I shouldn’t say nothing has changed. That’s not true. Maybe the post is part of it, and maybe it’s the 150 daily pushups, and maybe it’s the mindset behind it all, but I had a great day today because I had a great day yesterday. Life, I may have mentioned, is good.

The whole morass of emotion is still in there, but the thumb isn’t quite so much playing the role of captor at the moment. More like a sunbeam.

Crazy thumb.

Anyway, the pic at the top of this post is a link to the latest album in the gallery. Go look, and comment lots on every pic so I have some critique. I also want models for some personality photography. Neil’s a handsome lad but for the love of all that is holy can we PLEASE look at someone else for a while?! I joke. Neil is a good man, and a great friend. Still- any attractive lasses who’d like to find out how beautiful they really are- let me know. I have a very good digital cam, and there’s perfect lighting outside these days. Lads- I won’t say no, obviously, but I don’t think anyone can realistically deny that the feminine form is worlds more esthetically pleasing to the eye. That said, I need bodies that want to be photographed, so jump on in.

In other news, Jaime has picked up a fun new game, inspired maybe by the Friday Five. Five question interviews. Anyone who wants to be put up on the block and interrogated, raise your hand, and I’ll roast you publically. How much damage could I possibly do with five li’l questions? Then post your answers on your blog, which for some of you means having to get one, or you can give me permission to publish them here and email them to me. Then, as my own twist, give me five questions to ask someone else, and I’ll email them the questions and see if they’ll let me post their answers. Could be very fun. I’ll post my own interview responses around noon-ish tomorrow.

Hey! I could tease you! Here are the questions, if you haven’t been to Jaime’s site to see them yet:

– 1. Something I have always found odd about you is your collection of BikiniJen pictures. Why do you keep those pictures up? Do you have them in your house too?
– 2. Describe the perfect woman? Do you think she actually exists?
– 3. How would you sum up your general philosophy for daily life?
– 4. Who or what influences you in that philosophy? (philosophers, artists, congressmen, Victoria’s secret models, God, mom, etc.) How do they influence it?
– 5. What is your idea of a perfect day?

Penetrating questions, lassie. I spent way too much time on my answers, but I figured you wouldn’t be satisfied with sardonic brevity.

Whew. It’s near midnight and I still have… 120 pushups to go. Sleep well, all. Love & hugs to most, and a slap on the ass for the rest. Also with love.