full on ramble

How long since I’ve just written to see what comes out?

About four months. Huh. Since then I’ve had some constants in the back of my head, or at the front, or somewhere around my body. But tonight, aside from a very pesky case of relentless lust, I seem to be motiveless.

I had the usual half-dozen or so blog-worthy ideas over the course of the day, but I’ve let them all go. I may come back to them. They were, after all, blog worthy.

Here’s a germ I don’t want to lose: print & cameras. That’s a note-to-self.

I should say thanks to everyone who, over the past week (or the past three, depending on where you bookmark), took a moment to say something appropriately supportive. Thanks, guys & dolls. I did tell you I saw it coming, and I’m glad none of you said I told me so. Thanks. Moving on.

I’ve seen some pretty crizzazy shizz over the past month or so. A lot of lives have changed in the upheaval sense. I’ve found myself excercising restraint, refraining from getting involved. I let people I love make their mistakes, and I wonder if it’s because I want them to learn the hard way, the way I did, or if it’s because I don’t want to get caught up in the inevitable conflict?

Of course, having said that, I have to admit that I have sometimes gotten involved more than most would. I am that guy who’s been through some stuff, and can usually be counted on to give you honest advice, whether it’s what you want to hear or not. Tactfully, of course.

I’ve let people lie to me, knowing it was easier that way. Is that right? Sometimes? I’ve also been that jerk who nods wisely and says I told you so. Bah, so what. Everyone knew Aaron & Ev were going to get back together, didn’t they? Heh.

What’s perhaps more criminal is the way I maneouver. Back in the day I was a calculatinig manipulator. Not maliciously, just very much in my own interest. Strangely, now I use my powers for good. *grin* And sparingly. I’m no superman. Just a helpful nudge sometimes.

Obviously I don’t flatter myself to think I’m a kingpin, pulling the strings of fate. Like I said, I’ve managed to learn from most of my experience, and if I can apply that in a helpful way… sometimes I’ll do that. I don’t think that’s wrong.

Somehow I’ve managed to end up with some very top-shelf friends. I hope I get to keep these ones. I’ve burned a few bridges in my time.

I’ve tried to learn. SO-o-o much. I was that guy who could get away with anything. And frequently did. I cheated. I lied. I pulled events in the direction I thought they should go. I had to learn everything the hard way. Friends tried to tell me. Acquaintances tried to tell me. People I’d hurt tried to tell me they were hurt.

I didn’t get it. Even though I thought I did, I didn’t get it. I was kind, supportively cheerful. I just kept going. Under the face of that kind of mentality how does someone who’s been hurt respond? How can you? It breaks the rules. In the absense of guilt and remorse, what can you do? Here’s this guy who still genuinely cares about you and is sad that your sad, but you can tell he’s impatient inside for you to get over all this so everyone can get back to the good times.

That was me. Totally without malice, but I just didn’t get it. I had to learn the hard way, and how was I going to learn any of this if I couldn’t empathically relate to those around me?

I thought of myself as a good friend. I was fun at parties and I threw some ragers. I did better with girls in a year than I have in the past five. (odd, that, innit?). I had tons and tons of friends and I couldn’t go anywhere without running into a bunch of them. I was always right there to brighten your day, always happy.

But I wasn’t. Not really. And I had no idea. I really thought I was happy. Everyone thought I was happy.

It sounds cliched, but I didn’t love myself. A grand philanthropist who quietly had no love or even respect for himself. It’s the sort of thing you can’t see until you’re past it.

A few things crashed down around me. Loves. Deep ones. I was shown in incandescent terms what I was doing. I began to understand. It didn’t happen instantly, but I can name the precise moment when it began.

Even before then I had been consciously building my character, trying to learn from my experiences. That was part of the problem, initially. I thought I was learning it all. Figuring it all out. But they thought they had it all figured out when they said the world was flat, or that TV was just a fad. I thought I was a good person, and happy with myself. I was shown otherwise, and that’s when I really started to learn.

So I let my friends make mistakes. It’s better, I’ve learned, to learn the hard way. Sometimes.

Some of those people still talk to me. I try to thank them every once in a while. Would you have the strength of character to hang in there? Maybe you would have seen in me what they saw. Or maybe they were just too forgiving. The point is that they’re still around, and that humbles me. I used to go a little bit batty with that realization, knowing what they’d had to put up with. Gradually I came to accept it out of necessity, because too much guilt doesn’t do anybody any good at all. And besides, they were still there. Guilt was sort of pointless. Ackowledgement, yes, but overcompensation… not so much. That’s for drama queens.

I learned, anyway. And one of the big things was that you’ve never got it all figured out. Life is learning.

“You cannot fail. You can only learn.”

Kinda comforting, somehow. Innit?

To draw from another blog-worthy topic entirely, I am not prejudiced except against the willfully ignorant. If you will not learn, I have no time for you. You are a wasted life. If you will not learn to love, then you are wasting the lives of others as well. So yes, you can fail, but only in holding to ignorance.

In that, at least, I am very much ahead of the game.

Thanks for listening.