singly and in pairs

Man, did I ever not post on V-Day.

Not like I was Not Posting. Just didn’t post. When all the attached staffers headed off to do attached things a few of us hung out for Beer Friday. Talktalk came by and four of us sexy single guys didn’t head up to the roof to watch the world go by and wax philosophical. Because we’re not supposed to go up on the roof.

I know a lot of people get really depressed and anti social on V-day if they happen to be caught single, and I reeeeeely question that mind-set.

I mean, seriously now, how can you expect to be able to have a half-decent reciprocal relationship if you can’t hack being on your own? I know a lot of people who have gone steadily from one relationship to the next before the body gets cold, and they’ve done it since high school.

How can you possibly think you’re a whole person if you’ve never had to be?

If you’ve never been single for more than, say, three months at a time, how can you really have any idea who you are?

Until I hit 28 I was that guy who had never been single more than three months since I started dating. I was pretty good at it. The next better half always seemed to make herself available at just the right time.

It wasn’t quite as bad as it sounds, but then it wasn’t really that much better. I honestly did my best to be a good boyfriend, as I saw it. But I had a lot to learn about reciprocity. In hindsight I didn’t really have a lot of self-respect, or a real respect for the feelings of others. I just took a lot for granted. Why not? For the most part there were no consequences. I thought I was a good person, and I had loads of friends. I had a strange sense of honour.

Gradually I learned. The hard way, like always. Somewhere in there I had begun the long hard road of self improvement.

Somehow this hard-won self-respect has coincided with long stretches of singleness. Two years even. Well, it’s not that much of a mystery. Sure, I used to be much more agressive. But the high standards I have now were still with me then.

Actually, that’s it right there- the standards. Now I have standards for myself, not just for potential girlfriends. I’m still a flirt (not like I used to be) but where I used to go full speed ahead now I have a little alarm that goes off at that moment of choice where you know you could actually start something. And I choose not to.

Once you become that person, it impossible to explain the difference to someone who’s still back there- someone who has never been single long enough to know what independence is like.

Conversely, someone who has been single most of their dating life can’t really understand that moment of choice either.

What it means to choose involvement. Commitment.

And I can’t help but wonder what I’ll think of these words in another ten years. Looking back on this point in my life. The decisions I’ve made and the ones that have been made for me.